


Hold Fast

by apartment



Series: One Lifetime Left [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Morning Sex, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 12:50:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15461754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apartment/pseuds/apartment
Summary: This morning, there are only three things to be had: a glimpse of Alec sleeping, a much-needed conversation, and sex.or: morning sex with feelings, both love and guiltAlec turns to face Magnus, searching his eyes quietly. He runs his hands up and down Magnus’ sides in a practiced, familiar motion that elicits a tiny shiver. Finally, Alec breaks out in a small, lopsided grin. “Yeah?” he asks, his voice soft and infinitely fond. There’s a combination of pride, relief, and desire in his eyes that makes Magnus’ heartbeat wilder.Magnus loves him so hard it hurts.





	Hold Fast

**Author's Note:**

> it was only a morning sex fic, how did it end up like this
> 
> also sry again if you got like 3 million notifications like this, ao3 & my wifi both hate me

It’s rare that Magnus gets to wake up like this, slowly and in increments. There’s something reverent and golden in the air on these mornings, like the world has painted his bedroom in a quiet light.

A dull feeling in his side pokes at his consciousness, but it’s not important or distinct enough to actually nudge him awake. Instead, Magnus tries to figure out what it is without opening his eyes, clinging to the comfort of sleep blanketing his mind.

Slowly, Magnus comes to the realization that his head isn’t pillowed on his silk sheets anymore. He’s laying on Alec’s chest, and the thing digging into his side is Alec’s knee. He sighs, snuggling into Alec’s chest more. He absolutely does not want to move, and he can feel sleep overtaking him again, bit by bit.

What’s even rarer is that Alec is here, sleeping, this late into the morning. He hardly gets to spend the night, these days. And this night, they weren’t able to fall asleep together. Alec must have arrived sometime in the early morning hours; Magnus doesn’t remember his arrival.

Despite the protests of his side, Magnus doesn’t want to shift away from Alec in any way. He tilts his head up to look at Alec’s face fondly, smiling when he sees how relaxed Alec looks in sleep. The morning sunlight filtering through the window makes Alec’s skin glow, makes his eyelashes look like rays of light themselves.

These days, as Magnus calls them, because he can’t really bear to say “now that I’m mortal” or “after I surrendered my magic,” there isn’t much for him to do. And so Magnus cherishes these moments, stolen as they are, when Alec doesn’t yet look like the world has reached inside him and torn out his veins.

 _He’s beautiful_ , Magnus thinks for the thousandth time. There is so much good in Alec, mixed within the potential for destruction and demise. There is so much innocence, tarnished by sights and deeds of death and oblivion.

Here is the rarest of all, these days: Magnus is happy.

These days, Magnus feels the weight of his existence more than ever. Over four centuries of life were never meant to fit into a mortal body.

But sometimes, when time is mellowed and slumbering still, there’s a moment of respite. When he wakes up gradually and Alec’s chest is moving up and down with his breaths and the sun is warm on their skin, Magnus can close his eyes and feel this.

He runs a hand over Alec’s chest, brushing over the hair there. The deep stab wound he’d received just weeks ago is healed now, with not even a scar in its place. Other than his runes, Alec’s skin is smooth everywhere else too. The muscles under his hand are relaxed right now, but Magnus has seen how they coil and tense and flex when Alec’s awake.

Alec uses his body as an involuntary, subconscious function. His movements aren't actually thoughtless, but they're practiced and precise, strategic and in such easy sync with the rest of him that it often feels that way.

Watching Alec move—Alec do anything, really—is a treat. And with Alec laid out here, pliant and soft, Magnus can feel want blooming through him. After a few moments, it reaches a point where he knows with a pang that he wants to act on it. The desire is welcome, almost validating in a way, especially after the relatively dry past few weeks.

Magnus can feel a small smile spreading across his lips, and he presses an instinctive kiss to the skin he’s been sleeping on. Then another, and another. He leaves a trail of kisses from Alec’s chest to his neck, and with each one, the small giddy feeling in Magnus grows stronger.

“Hey,” he whispers in between kisses, when he’s reached Alec’s neck. He mouths at Alec’s collarbone for a moment.

Alec wakes almost instantly, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. His body tenses for a moment, but when Alec registers that it’s Magnus’ weight on top of him, the alertness seeps out of him.

“Hey,” Alec replies, his voice hoarse with sleep. He tilts his head to allow Magnus better access to his neck, amendable and willing. “Mm, what are you doing?”

Magnus licks at the hollow of Alec’s throat and grins when he sees Alec swallow thickly. Against his side, he can feel Alec’s morning wood, a little harder than it was minutes ago. But for now, he pays it no mind. He presses a small, sweet kiss to the underside of Alec’s jaw before replying.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he asks cheekily. Alec will double and triple-check anyway, because he’s Alec and that’s what he does. But this game is a familiar one, of baiting and competition and relishing the fun they have with each other. And Magnus has missed it.

Alec turns to face Magnus, searching his eyes quietly. He runs his hands up and down Magnus’ sides in a practiced, familiar motion that elicits a tiny shiver. Finally, Alec breaks out in a small, lopsided grin. “Yeah?” he asks, his voice soft and infinitely fond. There’s a combination of pride, relief, and desire in his eyes that makes Magnus’ heartbeat wilder.

Magnus loves him so hard it hurts.

He buries his face in the crook of Alec’s neck, smiling against the skin there. A beat, filled with an anticipatory, happy silence, then Magnus replies, “Yeah.” He sounds excited, even to his own ears.

Alec’s hand winds itself into Magnus’ hair with a soft grip. He pulls, lightly, but just enough that Magnus lifts his face to look at him. After a moment, Alec moves his hand to cup Magnus’ cheek, idly running a thumb over his cheekbone.

Magnus can’t help but lean into it happily. He’s relaxed and at ease with Alec like this, and he feels safe in his arms. Like he can just be, and not be judged for it or compared to his past self. Here, he’s just Magnus.

Magnus turns his head to place a soft, lingering kiss to Alec’s palm, trying to convey just how grateful he is. Alec’s hands are heavily calloused, so they’re rough against Magnus’ lips, but it only serves to send a rush of heat through his body.

Alec brushes a thumb over Magnus’ mouth, slipping his thumb in and playing with his bottom lip. When Magnus darts his tongue out to kitten lick at Alec’s thumb, he draws a small encouraging moan. He opens his mouth a little, letting Alec slide his thumb in, and he wraps his tongue around it immediately.

Alec looks impossibly tender when Magnus looks up and makes eye contact again. Magnus feels it travel down his spine, arousal building. He smiles around Alec’s thumb, his eyes crinkling, and Alec huffs out a small laugh.

Magnus has been tracing idle shapes on Alec’s chest for a while, and he runs his hands along the skin more purposefully now. He brushes over a nipple and then pinches it, playing with it until it hardens under his attention. When he flicks it lightly, Alec bites out a small “ _Ah_.”

Positioned as he is on top of Alec, Magnus is conveniently able to press his thigh against Alec’s cock, where it’s hardened considerably. His own cock is trapped between his stomach and Alec’s, a little off-center, but the hard planes of Alec’s torso provide enough for Magnus to grind against. He presses down, rolling his hips, and Alec exhales sharply in response, his own hips moving upwards.

After a few moments, Alec brings his other hand up to his own mouth and licks his palm wetly, almost obscenely. Magnus barely has time to register and understand the action before Alec is reaching down between their bodies. He lifts his hips to accommodate Alec’s hand and hisses out a low groan when Alec wraps his fingers around his cock, pumping a few times.

He maneuvers Magnus so that their cocks are aligned, and now, with Alec’s hand now guiding them together, when Magnus grinds down, they both moan, loud against the silence of the early morning as their cocks slide against each other. Magnus does it again, and again, unable to restrain himself after going so long without.

He’s not going to last long, he knows, and he doubts Alec will either. But this morning, it feels like they’re falling back together. There’s something about it that’s unbelievably adoring, and where normally Magnus would feel his blood boiling, his desire today feels warm and enduring.

Magnus pulls Alec’s thumb from his mouth and wraps his lips around two of his fingers instead, fellating them thoroughly. He feels on-edge, almost desperate, and as his hips roll downwards to meet Alec’s, he presses slick open-mouthed kisses to the hand, to every bit of skin he can find.

It almost feels like instinct, to just worship whatever part of Alec he has before him. Magnus’ eyes flutter closed involuntarily, and he moans against the skin of Alec’s wrist before biting down lightly and scraping his teeth along the fleshy part of his hand.

Alec’s hand twitches in his grasp, like he’s trying to keep it from clenching shut, and Magnus delights in the momentary, minute loss of control. He loves making Alec fall apart, both because it shows just how much Alec trusts him and because Alec is gorgeous, _goddamn_.

Alec reaches up to tangle the same hand through Magnus’ hair, and he pulls Magnus down to meet him for a small kiss without tongue. He peppers kisses along Magnus’ jaw and cheek, and Magnus preens, leaning into the attention with a smile.

It should be dissonant, grinding towards their climaxes while simultaneously exchanging innocent, gentle kisses. But this is the Alec Magnus knows best, who can reduce him to a trembling mess in the most romantic way possible.

“I’m gonna come,” he pants. “I can’t last.”

Alec mouths at the underside of Magnus’ jaw and nods his agreement fervently. After that, it’s just a matter of time before they’re both grinding against each other, chasing their orgasms. Alec comes first, and he groans so deep in his throat, it feels like it resonates through Magnus’ entire body. The look on Alec’s face and the shudders of his body are what send Magnus over the edge, too, moments later.

His body feels on fire in the best way possible. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like, having a flame bubble just beneath his skin, lighting up his muscles. For a moment, he forgets all else. There’s only him and Alec, caught up in their pleasure, flush against each other.

Alec’s face is red with a light sheen of sweat, there’s a blush high on his cheeks, and his hair is mussed from both sleep and their movements. He’s never looked so beautiful.

After a few moments, when they’ve come down from their highs, they just lay entangled, basking. Alec’s arms are wrapped around Magnus’ waist, holding them against each other. Magnus can feel their come, sticky and wet between them, but he doesn’t mind, not really, not as long as he can keep resting here like this.

“I gotta pee,” Alec says eventually, sounding amused. “Come on, I’ll just be a sec.” He nudges Magnus until he rolls off him with a low disgruntled whine and then rises, disappearing into the en-suite.

Magnus, unwilling to move, buries his head in the sheets and inhales deeply. They just washed them yesterday, so it smells like sheets and clean laundry, but there’s just the slightest hint of what Magnus has come to consider _Alec_. Or maybe he’s just imagining it. Still, the sentiment remains.

Not long later, Alec returns, and Magnus stays in the same position, just turning his head to look at him with a smile. And then he immediately freezes.

Alec has brought a damp washcloth with him from the bathroom, no doubt to clean Magnus up. It’s a sweet gesture. Rather, it’s not even a gesture at all, really; it’s just something any attentive and considerate lover would do. But it sends a flash of shame and helplessness through Magnus, who would have normally just snapped his fingers.

He bites down on it immediately. He’s had fun this morning, and he’s feeling good. He doesn’t need this horrid mixture of anger and dread and grief to roll through him. And he definitely doesn’t need to make Alec feel guilty for being considerate.

But Alec sees it anyway, written into the stiff lines of his body. He tenses slightly himself, but forges on. He sits on the edge of the bed and runs a hand down Magnus’ back. His hands are rough but gentle, and Magnus can’t help but relax into it a little.

Alec brushes a stray lock of hair out of Magnus’ eyes, drawing Magnus’ gaze up to make eye contact. Alec looks at him like Magnus is every star in the sky, and Magnus doesn’t know how to deal with that, especially when he himself is feeling only a combination of bitter guilt and self-loathing.

“I love you,” Alec says, and Magnus closes his eyes against the weight of his words. “Let me do this for you.”

“You don’t have to do everything for me,” Magnus replies quietly. He forces himself to open his eyes, to not run away, to really _look_ at Alec.  

So he catches the flash of guilt when Alec says, “I want to.” It takes just a moment for Magnus to read Alec’s actions as “obligation” before Alec, obviously having anticipated this, follows with, “I’m not doing this because I have to.”

But there it is. That reference to the irreparable, broken thing in Magnus that makes him someone Alec has to protect now. The very fact that there’s any reason for Alec to be obligated at all is just an acidic, angry reminder of what Magnus has lost.

He can feel himself shutting down again, and he hates himself for it, for ruining what started out as the perfect morning. He hates himself, and he hates Alec a little too, for reading him so well. And then he hates himself more, for being so transparent and vulnerable. Magnus loathes feeling weak, and right now, he’s not sure he can have this conversation. He stays silent.

Alec sighs, not in disappointment exactly, but something akin. He gets back into bed, laying down next to Magnus, and after a moment, pulls Magnus back onto him, so that they’re in the same position as before.

If his intention is to coax Magnus back into his previous mood, it’s working, just a little. Magnus’ post-coital bliss is still lingering close enough under the surface that it’s not difficult to relax back into it slightly.

Magnus rests his head on Alec’s chest, looking off to the side. He focuses on a single spot on the wall, wondering what he will feel if he looks at Alec.

He knows he’s making Alec feel guilty right now. But there are some things in his life, these days, that are just so difficult to overcome. Truly, he loves Alec for it, for being so caring and wanting to fix everything. Alec has been there for Magnus through every day since he’d healed from his own injuries.

But sometimes it’s hard to look at him.

Alec doesn’t feel guilty because Magnus gave up such an integral part of himself for him, he knows. Alec feels guilty because he’s thankful Magnus did. There are a lot of things Magnus thinks about, these days, when he has nothing else to do and everything to worry about.

And one of them is this: Alec, biting “Enough.” when the _thing_ in Jace mocked Magnus’ devotion, wondering aloud who Alec would choose to save between the two of them. Magnus knows Alec would rather die himself than decide. But given no other option, the weight of Magnus’ magic equals that of Jace’s life.

Magnus doesn’t know how to feel about that yet.

There's also this, worming its way through his head: Magnus has trapped Alec. A sacrifice of this degree will take a lifetime to pay back, in Alec’s mind, and he won't be able to let it go unanswered. Magnus tries not to think about Alec’s marriage to Lydia, about how Alec was willing to chain himself to a relationship because of his sense of duty, but when his mind races a mile-a-minute, he has no energy to temper its steps.

Magnus can’t help that every time Alec looks at him, he sees his own guilt. Magnus can’t help that every time he looks at Alec, he sees the same. _What a pair we are_ , he thinks wryly.

“Magnus, can we talk about this?” Alec asks, tentative and measured. His voice is layered with that Shadowhunter steel that allows him to compartmentalize and keep steady even in the direst of circumstances. It’s almost laughable that Magnus appreciates it now, because conversations like these, about their relationship, once came more easily to Magnus than they did Alec. But these days, it’s Alec who speaks first, who breaches topics that Magnus is terrified to verbalize. Magnus has never felt more mundane.

“Okay,” Magnus says, but even to his own ears, it sounds unenthused.

Alec exhales, sensing Magnus’ apprehension. “You don’t have to pretend for me. If you don’t want to talk, then, I won’t… push you. Only on your terms, okay? I never want you to put on a face for me,” Alec says. He sounds like the words are scraping his insides on their way out.

“Alec,” Magnus says gently. He’s not sure what to say, and he’s not sure that he _isn’t_ pretending, but there’s a hint of reproach in his words regardless. It’s been a good morning, a great one even, and he's probably as close to “ready” as he’ll get.

Alec looks at him, and it feels like he's reading Magnus’ soul. Then, as an almost heartbroken afterthought: “Please.”

Alec isn’t used to saying “please.” This is something Magnus knows. For Alec’s entire life, he has either demanded or convinced with logic, so requests such as these are new to him and heavier within that context. It sounds almost like begging.

“I said ‘Okay,’” manages Magnus. He's infinitely grateful that it sounds steadier than he feels.

Alec nods a few times, almost to himself. “Okay, yeah. Yeah,” says Alec. He breathes deeply, his chest rising beneath Magnus’ fingers. Then he starts, almost stumbling over his words: “I—. Listen, Magnus, I don't know how to fix what you—. Giving up your magic—that’s like, I can't imagine. Like cutting off both your arms. It’s _part_ of you. And I want you to be happy, but I don’t know how to make this up to you, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you—,”

“Shh,” Magnus cuts in, when Alec pauses to take a breath.

 _When will you understand what I mean when I say ‘I love you’?_ he thinks, as Alec tries to protest and continue. Because Magnus had run into this with eyes wide open. There's been nothing blind about his love.

So what he says is this: “What gave you the idea that I wouldn’t cut both my arms off for you?”

Alec stops breathing, his eyes wide. He looks at Magnus, and he _sees._  “Oh,” he whispers finally, his voice raw.

Magnus doesn’t quite know what expression he’s wearing, but it makes Alec tremble below him. Alec closes his eyes, as if overwhelmed. Immortal feelings are not meant for mortal beings, after all.

“I would, too,” Alec says finally. His words are shaky, but they ring true, like it’s a confession, like it’s something he should have said ages ago but never found the right words for.

But Magnus has never doubted this for a second. He is just sorry that now Alec will feel like he has no choice.

“I know,” Magnus replies. He brushes Alec’s hair off his forehead and watches as Alec leans into his touch helplessly, blinking his eyes back open.

Magnus gazes down at Alec with fond eyes. There’s this feeling in his body, spreading through him like warm ocean water, midday. Like digging into the sand with his toes and watching it spill outwards. It fills every part of him with a bubbling, fizzing feeling that thrums through his blood.

It’s a new type of magic, this feeling.  

“Hey,” Magnus says softly, without thinking. Alec smiles, and his eyes crinkle affectionately. There are a lot of rifts between them, and their minds might as well be minefields. But when Alec exhales, the tension drains from his body, and they melt into the bedspread.

Alec cups his cheek, tenderly running a thumb over his cheekbone. His hand is warm and gentle, and Magnus is abruptly struck with the exquisite immensity of his love. Alec doesn’t smile, or shift his gaze, or even blink. Instead, he just looks at Magnus, serious and calm, like the vastness of the sky has been bundled into his chest.

“I don’t know how else to say it, but...,” Alec pauses. Then, softer: “ _Tujh mein Rab dikhta hai_.”

Magnus’ heart breaks in a way that can only be described as unbearably and unexpectedly devastating. Looking into Alec’s eyes and seeing only steadfastness and determination makes Magnus feel tight at the seams.

Before the quiet power of Alec’s love, Magnus unravels.

 _I see my God in you_ , Alec said. Magnus bows his head, touching his forehead to Alec’s chest. Alec’s heart beats loudly, excitedly, nervously. “And mine in you,” Magnus replies against Alec’s skin.

Because if Magnus had a god, it would be this. Because even now, in these hollow days, he has something to have faith in. It’s Alec.

**Author's Note:**

> if u think that alec doesn't know hindi, well, i don't think it's that much of a stretch b/c i don't think u can be groomed to be head of an institute and not have a couple languages down. also max was at the bombay institute so let's pretend they have good relations w/ native hindi speakers hehe
> 
> hope u enjoyed and drop me a comment pretty please!!! words r important, i wanna know what ur fav part was idk idk 
> 
> i'm p active on twitter these days so come hang w/ me there. i also check [tumblr](http://apartmented.tumblr.com) at least once a day but honestly >>> [twitter](http://twitter.com/inviq). come chat with me, i always wanna meet new ppl and i'm sorta disconnected
> 
> if ur coming here to read the second fic in the series, pls also kudos/comment b/c this fic is a baby, it was posted just 1 day before part 2


End file.
